you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
