Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Randomize
