got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
