its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
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