Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
