If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
