Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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