Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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