so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
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