my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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