I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
