My pussy is not your playground.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
