I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Randomize
