I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
