i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
