Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
