you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
