I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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