Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
i wonder if she has dreads down there too...
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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