They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
