I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
