I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Please don't give away my fajitas
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
