if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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