Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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