Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
Randomize
