new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
she looked like the before picture.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
