Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
