didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
