mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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