I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
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