just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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