I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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