If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
