four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
