I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
