I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
