Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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