Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
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