Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
