Rock
Scissors
Fuck
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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