i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
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