I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
