I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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