At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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