mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Randomize
