Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
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