Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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