True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
I had to cum in my sink.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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