Somerville?? What the hell are you going to do there?
Watch a movie and have sloppy make outs OBVI. 45 Harris St. in case I die.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
