Well douche your snatch and let's go!
In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
